I’m sure some of these have been internet-chronicled before. I tried my damnedest to post some ones that (in my mind) I came up with myself. Seems to be a certain Baltimore theme.
- Hamilton: Maintaining employment at FSU for 14 seasons with a sub-.500 ACC winning percentage
- Colvin: Hamsterdam
Cagematch Result: Colvin, 8th round knockout. Police chief strength > coach strength. But barely. “Only my friends call me Bunny.”
- Vaughn: Providing the sound system setup for Snoop Dogg and his friend in the green hat’s live performance.
- Amsinger: His Buster Posey Knee
Cagematch Result: Vaughn in the 10th. Too much old man strength. “Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!”
Murray: Something boring and tennis related
Huebel: Non-commital relationship with that HR vixen Holly Flax
Cagematch Result: Honestly they would probably both start crying at the thought of fighting someone. Tie.
Westbrook: Four consecutive triple-doubles in February/March 2015
Broadus: [SPOILER ALERT, for those 10 years behind the times]. Surviving in the game for as long as he did.
Cagematch Result: Wow. Tough. Westbrook over almost all other current NBAers. But Bodie has this elite je ne sais qoui, there has never been a scrappier human (real or fictional). I’ll say Westbrook via vicious KO in the 3rd due to the decided height advantage (6’3″ to 5’8″), but Bodie makes him sweat. “This game is rigged man. We like them little b$%&%^ on the chess board.”
Tebow: Being the greatest college athlete of our generation and being the future governor of Florida
Arcidiacono: Leading Villanova to NCAA Tournament failure
Cagematch Result: Tebow. Beefcake. 1st round KO. “What up Lance Briggs?!”
Bacon: Being less than seven degrees of separation from everyone on Earth
Sale: 274 strikeouts in 2015. Tommy John in 2016. Cy Young in 2018, 2019, 2020.
Cagematch Result: Like Vaughn before him, Bacon is able to summon old man strength to overcome the 8 inch height difference to command the fight. Bacon by decision.
Roethlisberger: Having the middle name Todd
Grimsrud: Being a brutal murderer
Cagematch Result: Roethlisberger is widely considered the toughest QB in the NFL, but he is out of his element here. Anyone willing to go the wood chipper route is not someone I would bet against in the ring. Grimsrud by a likely gruesome KO. “Where is pancakes house?”
Byrne: Throwing perhaps the greatest wedding shower of all time. Puppies as favors? I mean come on.
Cagematch Result: Grande, more like not so grande, is 5’0″ and not truly a full sized human, but Byrne’s meltdown when the bride gets lost in Bridesmaids said a lot about her ability in pressure situations. Grande finds a way and wins by TKO.
Taylor: 14 Hrs and 16 SBs in his rookie season
Stanfield: The Mike Trout of West Baltimore. Elite potential, and he realizes all of it and then some.
Cagematch Result: Taylor doesn’t even step in the ring out of fear. Not interested. Marlo gets the title belt – “what’s the real value? I ain’t much for sentiment.”
Career Highlight: [Here we have the rare triple match, where Forte and Camden combine to create Kruger]
Forte: Loved him in Nebraska, although I weirdly hear good things about The Last Man on Earth
Kruger: Reaching the Final Four in the early 90s. Not much since.
Camden: Raising seven virtuous children, while leading the congregation at Glen Oaks Community Church. Downhill from there.
Cagematch Result: I can’t see Forte being much in the ring, and a God fearing man like Camden would opt out. Kruger in a boring twelve rounds of rolling on the mat.
Johnson: 2008 Pac-12 Coach of the Year
Turtle: “King of the Pond”, enough said
Cagematch Result: Johnson in a rout, because Yertle, while kingly, is still a turtle.